Hax: At long last, a baby – and a shameful lie

  • Article by: CAROLYN HAX
  • Updated: January 16, 2014 - 1:27 PM

Dear Carolyn: I always wanted kids, but managed to get to my early 40s with no husband or children — not from lack of trying.

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hyakamooksJan. 20, 14 3:04 PM

Reality check: - To the mom: this is not the world's greatest mea culpa situation. It was an impetuous decision that sprang from a deep-seated desire to bear children. So, using terms like "torpedoed your life" "fix it" and "huge mess" are not helpful to you moving forward. - Honestly, men have a responsibility to provide their own birth control. There are no guarantees that being on the pill would have prevented him from impregnating you...how could he have psychically known that you were good about remembering to take each and every pill, for example. However, he would have had a good chance of preventing pregnancy by using his own BC (which would have protected both of you from virus transmission as well). IMHO, at least part of the burden of this situation is his own. - Carolyn, saying things like "you sold your soul for a baby" or "what a bad person you're capable of being" is also not helpful, and I'm seriously surprised that a post-Victorian advice columnist would use such garment-rending phrases. It's not like your writer just killed someone, for Pete's sakes, and as far as I know, most members of religions interested in souls seem also to be very much interested in boosting procreation at any cost. - My advice to the mom: seek a lawyer (to talk about parental rights), then a therapist (one who will not brow-beat you like Carolyn just did) and then YOU decide if you want Mr. Nice Guy to be involved in the parenting of your child - and/or if you want even to tell him. I'd recommend that you wait a few weeks before telling him, however. First, older moms have a tendency to miscarry because of fetal genetic abnormalities. Also, the guy is a creep, you do NOT want to involve him in paternity situations and it is absolutely okay never to tell him in order to protect your child. And, finally, Carolyn: you just made your own "deep moral choices on an unwitting other's behalf" - both those of this woman you know only from a letter and of those of an unborn child. Sounds like it's time for some serious and professionally-guided reflection on your own unflinching narrow-mindedness and misogyny issues.

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bracystakeJan. 23, 1412:46 PM

hyamooks - utter ridiculous. You label the guy a creep without having any idea of what he's like from the writer's letter, then you follow it up with chastising Carolyn for labeling the letter writer. There is no question that the woman did something wrong and she needs to address that with respect to both herself and the man she used.

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