Society, family life shape men's ability to cope with a breakup

  • Article by: Kim Ode , Star Tribune
  • Updated: November 1, 2013 - 5:29 PM

Breakups are hard, but new research sheds light on why some people can move on, and others leave tragedy in their wake.

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roberth999Nov. 2, 13 3:40 PM

How much money do you think Lawyers and Judges would make if the Family Courts were equal to both parents? Very little. For those that have kids in a relationship it is quite different than the "psycho boyfriend or girlfriend." Sadly a lot of Bullying happens in these courtrooms and it will not stop anytime soon.

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readnews17Nov. 2, 13 4:06 PM

The Domestic Violence industry certainly has a cheerleader in Kim Ode and the Star Tribune. Do facts matter? 1) Women are as likely and sometimes more likely to initiate violence in intimate relationships as men. (Journal of Public Health, May 2007) Nearly every peer reviewed study has reached the same conclusion in this century. Including same sex female/female relationships...Let's talk about that if we want to be honest. Men are less evolved? This is vintage Star Tribune nonsense. What negative stereotypes about women in comparison with men are valid or would the Strib editor allow? I'm guessing none. How about negative stereotypes about Blacks, Asians, Jews? Which are okay Ms. Ode? Which are valid? Why is the only worthwhile input on this article from someone who has a vested interest in turning a buck for her special interest group? Nice journalistic effort.

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sullytoolNov. 3, 13 7:00 AM

This story goes to the heart of societies issues. Men have been meant to feel small and useless because of woman's "evolution". If women want the same power as men, that's fine, and I have no problem with that. The problem is women now can't work on relationship problems, they just run away from them. I'm in no way advocating murder against former partners, and it is dead wrong, but I do understand the anger. And nobody knows the situations ocuring in those relationships, so I think it would be pretty hard to say what triggers these events unless you can understand the whole reasoning, and that goes for both female and male partners. It's always the big "secret" in couples to keep their intimate affairs private, and Men have always been the "fixxer" types when it comes to problems. Now that women are so evolved, maybe it's about time they start trying to be "fixxers" too instead of running away so easily.

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JMarvinNov. 3, 13 7:44 AM

I took something else away from this article: at least there is now some investigation into the front-end causes from the standpoint of the male perpetrator of domestic murder instead of all focus being on the punishment end. We cannot move forward much with prevention without taking a serious look at, and subsequently taking measures to address, the real causes. Good job, Ms. Ode. It's about time.

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gemie1Nov. 3, 13 8:02 AM

Control and abusing someone is not healthy. Murdering your partner or ex-partner is not okay. The fact is that more men traditionally have been the abuser or killer and if women are inching their way up in this area, these specific individuals also have issues with power, control, interrelationship and love. There can be an intense issues with abandonment, insecurity and anger management.

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eman2001Nov. 3, 1311:41 AM

The media continues to go to advocacy groups for female victims of domestic abuse for information on this issue. The groups depend on hyping or contorting the problem to continue their funding. Of course, all victims are women in their view, despite numerous scientific studies that say otherwise. Why doesn't the media seek out experts in men's studies to find out why men do what they do? Oh that's right, there are no men's studies departments at colleges. Or why not ask the Presidential Commission on Men to look at this issue? Ooops, none for men, only one for women.

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aardvark878Nov. 3, 1311:50 AM

Sullytool, some relationships aren't worth fixing. If some guy thinks he owns me and gets to control me, it's not my job to fix a damn thing. My job is to look out for myself and walk. Abusive men, in my experience, don't want to change. I knew a bullying and abusive man who finally did go into counseling. Came out of it still abusing...and blaming his behavior on his abusive parents. Well, yeah, he had half of the equation right...he learned that crap because it was inflicted on him. But he only got as far as the "Someone hurt me" stage, and never owned up to the damage he himself inflicts. The wrong that was done to him doesn't give him the right to perpetrate it, and it doesn't make any woman on this planet responsible for hanging around trying to soothe the beast. And it does a huge disservice to the men and women who faced abuse as children and did NOT go on to inflict it on others. I finally walked out of the abuser's life and am much happier for it.

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shushyn78Nov. 3, 1312:51 PM

The larger question is; how can women do a better job of identifying psychopathic personalities...and run the other way?

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gungajodyNov. 3, 13 2:02 PM

Wow, a lot of denial in some of these comments. Domestic violence is very real, and the vast majority of victims are women. Not all, but most. Men who feel a need to minimize this probably have an issue with women themselves. I work with people who have issues every day as a social worker, and I have seen the effects domestic violence has on families and children. The question we should be asking is how do we need to change how we socialize men and women so that attempting to control and dominate others is not considered acceptable, and is taken seriously in the court rooms? How do we raise our boys to deal effectively with their feelings, and to treat women with respect? How do we raise our boys to not misuse power in their relationships? How do we teach our girls to look for men who value equality, respect, and genuine caring over men who value some twisted form of "ownership" when it comes to intimate relationships? Why is domestic violence even minimally tolerated in this society? Maybe if it were punished more severely we wouldn't see as much of it.

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union601Nov. 3, 13 3:26 PM

With regard to denial, I unequivocally deny that "the vast majority of victims are women." The vast majority of *reported* victims, no doubt, but what's really happening behind closed doors is another story altogether. (Google: Fiebert Bibliography). Furthermore, I'm puzzled by the concern that we raise boys to respect women but no mention of the need to likewise raise girls to respect men. Ah, but then, I'm not so naive; I understand fully that in our popular culture the very notion of respect for men is, well, not respected. Indeed, the physical or verbal abuse of men is not viewed as a problem but rather as great comedy and wonderful family entertainment -- just watch any TV sitcom. So it becomes easy to dismiss men as victims. How the heck can they be victims when we're having such a good time laughing at them? Such in-your-face sexism makes my blood boil. Finally, I especially appreciate the comments of eman2001 and readnews17. Far, far from any sort of denial, they simply give hope that honest, fair, and objective assessments of the social problem (not gender problem) that is domestic violence can, on that ever rare occasion, still be found.

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