Hax: Mom worries about daughter's older beau

  • Article by: CAROLYN HAX
  • Updated: October 8, 2013 - 2:04 PM

Dear Carolyn: Our daughter, 25, has started seeing a man 16 years her senior. Yes, do the math; he’s 41.

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member11Oct. 9, 13 2:17 PM

This advice is idiotic. Not one reason (except ageism) was cited for this mother not even trying to accept this man as her daughter's significant other. If I were the daughter, I'd plan on spending a lot less of my time on this judgmental, narrow-minded mother.

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gailycOct. 9, 13 4:35 PM

Hey mom ~ "whatever". My daughter's boyfriend is 10 years older than she is - so what? My husband is 10 years older than me - so what? If he is young at heart, then let it play out. The more you put your 2 cents worth in, the tighter she's going to hang on. Who knows? Let it play itself out.

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ificantucantOct. 12, 13 8:36 AM

Age is but a number. Loving someone should not block someone out simply because of age unless the age is adult to child, meaning over 21 yeas old to under 18 years only (under 18 in most states). Thinking you can change someone is wrong. Your attempt at changing your daughter has just made her angry. Give the man a chance. Yes it is true he could be only out to hurt someone BUT this is life for each and every one of us. We all take chances and learn by our mistakes. Your daughter could decide to marry this man and this man could make your daughter the happiest woman alive. How would you treat this man AND your daughter then. Failure to love and support every decision your daughter makes only drives a wedge between the two of you. My suggestion is simple and extremely effective IF everyone uses it all the time in a relationship. Both people need to talk and share your feeling about everything. Your likes and dislikes. No fighting or arguing while doing this. Since this is a mother, daughter, ( possible son-in-law) situation, all three need to sit down together and calmly talk about your concerns. Yelling, screaming and, violence of any kind are not permitted. Love your daughter unconditionally. Respect for someone goes a long way.

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stplooklistnOct. 13, 13 3:31 PM

Good advice. 16 year difference for a 25yo is lots different than a 10 year difference later in life. Sounds like mom is genuinely trying to examine her reasons for being suspicious of this guy. Yeah, lots of people have a rough 30's but theres no redo. Guy should grow up and quit playing with the kids.

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warhammerOct. 13, 13 4:56 PM

Age is not "just a number". No matter how nice or supportive the older man is, he is still a pervert. I suppose a strong, confident older woman with a younger man is ok, but anytime a male is ten or more years older than the female, the male is simply looking for sex and somebody to manipulate and as a society we shouldn't tolerate this. Why doesn't this guy look for a strong woman his own age? Doesn't he know that age, wisdom, and experience is what makes a woman sexy, not her physical appearance?

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loop80Oct. 14, 13 5:08 PM

Ha! My ex is dating a man 17 years older. (I was her only boyfriend, after 20 years of marriage, she went for the first guy that showed any interest.) His first wife was over 10 years younger, they married at his age of 29, which meant he was dating her as a minor and likely committing statutory rape. Talk about the pervert factor! From a guy's perspective, dating younger woman usually comes from a complete lack of confidence with peer women. Or a perversion of only wanting physical contact with what he sees as little girls. Even though some people live to 100, statistics suggest that she most likely will not have a long relationship with this guy. At that age, she will spend the last years alone, which will be impossible for her. It would be better to find a man closer to her own age, so she can enjoy a long, happy relationship.

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