Ask Amy: Sexless marriage lacks connection

  • Article by: AMY DICKINSON
  • Updated: April 24, 2013 - 1:32 PM

Dear Amy: I’m 56 years old. I’ve been married for more than 20 years, and we haven’t made love in more than eight years. Is our sex life over forever?

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moron100Apr. 25, 13 2:09 PM

She has left the marriage and doesnt want you for anything else but paying the bills. She more then likely is sleeping with someone else.

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katienellApr. 25, 13 3:00 PM

Or... (since this could be my marriage as well) maybe he isn't mentioning that he started chewing tobacco after they were married and she can't stand kissing someone whose mouth tastes like a sewer. And, maybe he forgot to mention that he has an internet pornography addiction and his wife can't stand the thought that he thinks about hundreds of other women when he is with her. And she can't stand the thought that he is contributing to an industry that takes advantage of women in adverse situations. And maybe he forgot to mention that he only talks to her or acknowledges her existence when he wants action and then, he has one conversation, one dinner, one walk and then he expects her to turn it on like a faucet - like it is owed to him. Never mind trying to fix years of damage. And maybe he forgot to mention that his wife has been asking for counseling for 10 years. But one thing he did mention is that she is still there. She is hoping and praying that he will go to counseling, stop all of his addictive behaviors, start treating her like a human being and work on building their relationship again. When he does this and shows her that he is committed to her and only her and that he loves her and cares about her and only her no matter what she does or doesn't do, I would guess a physical expression of love would follow not too far afterwards. (And the weight? I'm there, too. It's protection.)

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think100Apr. 25, 13 8:15 PM

counseling for sure, and if that doesn't work, hit the road. sounds like misery.

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mgmckeApr. 25, 13 8:31 PM

katienell: Seek emotional help.

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roodougApr. 25, 13 8:33 PM

Trade her in for 2-25 year olds!

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i35splitApr. 25, 13 9:10 PM

She likes the stay at home lifestyle, Internet shopping and coffee and movies with girlfriends. You walk out at she gets alimony for milking you dry

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bumswrapApr. 26, 1312:52 PM

If he wants sex then he should go get it outside of the marriage. If she has a problem with then, tough!

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falcon123Apr. 26, 13 5:20 PM

His responsibility is to set the climate (that he has control over) to enable her to take responsibilty for her own libido. It sounds like he has done that (loving, caring, thoughtful husband emotionally and physically not let himself go). It is her responsibilty to take charge of her own libido...and that does not mean setting 100 conditions that all must be met before she gets in the mood. Sex is an important part of marriage and a woman has as much responsibilty to rev up her own libido as a man has to set a loving, caring, climate. The marriage is being neglected if either spouse is doing the former, but too many marriages I know have loving, caring husbands with wives who expect the husband to align every star in the universe in addition to setting the climate before they will nurture their own sensuality. This of course is impossible for the husband to accomplish but gives these neglectful wives endless reasons for not being in the mood and putting the blame on their husbands. If this guy has truly done everything he says and she still will not lift a finger to address her own libido issues, then he should propose that he has a ----buddy on the side as needed to address his physical sexual needs. She shouldn't object because if they have not had sex in 8 years then it really is not important to her and therefore it shouldn't bother her if he gets his physical release outside the marriage. He can still give her loving, emotional intimacy at home; which he probably does already to meet her needs but he can gets his physical needs met elsewhere. If she can't handle that, then she needs to stop making her husband the scapegoat and take charge of her own libido. It is unreasonable for her to expect to have it both ways.

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TabarnooshApr. 27, 13 1:11 PM

I've been down that road personally. No matter what anyone says 8 years of no sex between otherwise normal healthy married adults isn't normal. And it's more than just because you didn't buy her flowers or look longer into her eyes. And no one with a straight face could say it's just because "I'm just not in the mood" for 8 years. Friend, you need to ask your wife some serious questions. Is she unfaithful and for how long? I'd say a little more than 8 years.(maybe that's not very PC) Because right now you're just roommates. And she's using you. I hope you find some help for you to gain back some self-respect. Because she certainly doesn't respect you.

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wisstinks4Apr. 28, 13 4:32 AM

Dear 56 yr old manipulated husband, another story of a selfish woman withholding the gift god gave her to live in a normal marriage. She's working you to her advantage and your letting her do it. Biblically, you can divorce her, it's call abandonment and anyone can see it. I know this life and I broke the camels back when I talked to my pastor and he said get out for your mental, spiritual, and emnotional health. No man should suffer at the hand of an unloving, unreasonable, manipulator wife. Save yourself. I feel bad for you.

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