When men tackle domestic violence

  • Article by: Starita Smith , MCT Forum
  • Updated: April 4, 2013 - 4:55 PM

Men are finally owning up to the problem of domestic violence.

  • 16
  • Comments

  • Results per page:
stpauloldiesApr. 4, 13 7:33 PM

When will the rally for women be held, in which they own up to committing verbal, psychological, and emotional violence against men?? Women are experts at these kinds of games and men aren't. Yet, when men inevitably react on occasion in a way that their DNA demands, women are the victims. I realize that actually assigning any responsibility to women for THEIR actions is a novel concept. Family court already takes men's children away from them while demanding that they pay women handsomely and don't give the men any say in how their children are raised. If they want to visit their children, well, men have to pay the full cost of that too. If they lose their jobs and can't pay, no problem. If they do ever get another job in a few years, they will only owe about $30,000 or $40,000 dollars. Of course, the state will pick up the tab if this happens, so the women get their paychecks no matter what. I have an idea. How about if WOMEN actually learn how to be better partners to their men for once??

2
15
ivaro3Apr. 4, 13 7:46 PM

I would hasten to add that women can be violent towards men, and that women do sexually abuse boys, and I know of several cases personally where this has happened. Women are not the only victims in life, and feminism has unfortunately gotten off balance in this respect. In addition, men need to respect men, women need to respect other women, and most of all, people just need to treat each other with respect and decency, no matter who they are, period. And yes, that does includes how men treat women.

7
8
john0990Apr. 4, 13 8:30 PM

So, in other words, stpauloldies, men are genetically coded to be violent towards women? Wow. I've never done it, regardless of how angry or manipulated I've felt. I've never even considered it, come to think of it. But I guess that just means I haven't been masculine enough to give my women the treatment they deserve, huh? Violence--against anyone--should never be "inevitable."

13
1
ivaro3Apr. 4, 1310:36 PM

I do not agree with St Paul Oldies, but again, why do feminists NOT address men's issues, when we men are supposed to support all that you do? Where's the balance? I do not agree with what he says, but he is saying something true, which is that men are important to be listened to also. As always, it should be a two way street, just like in any relationship, and it should always be respectful.

3
7
ivaro3Apr. 4, 1311:10 PM

Crystal Bay- You are missing his point. I do not believe he was saying that his DNA dictates he will be abusive, it's just that men desire to be taken seriously and be given the gift to be happy to be men, and that simply does not happen in the company of many feminists. It's like we have been fed for about 4 decades now that we are the cause of all the world's problems, that we don't know how to change a diaper, that we are emotionally incapable, that we are violent, that women are the real saviors of the world, that only more women in sports, government, business, etc. can save the world. And now, I am seeing men that have internalized that they can't do anything, because the women's movement, in an attempt to get women taken seriously, have overcompensated and have put men down. And that hurts deeply. That is what men often did to women and that was wrong. So, I am looking for the next generation of feminists to get the balance right, and it hasn't yet happened. Now, in reality, most women I know have the balance, but in academia, MPR, and the like, that doesn't happen often. At its worst, feminism has become a self indulgent mess, and just becomes an arena for whining, yes, whining, and victimization at the hands of "evil men." Fortunately, most women I have known in life are closer to the truth, which is that men and women are the usual mix of wonderful traits and not so great ones. Again, balance, balance, balance. Can we have truth and balance?

2
9
ivaro3Apr. 5, 13 7:44 AM

Crystal Bay- I agree very much with the human doings statement-I think you are right on with that! I have told a few of my men friends that I don't like them only for what they do, even though they feel their worth is based on that.(human doings versus human beings) I had one male friend tell me last week-"results matter" and he feels he's a failure if he does not perform up to a certain standard, whether it be with his wife or his friends. And, he got that idea from his own father. Yes, men tend to act out their anger unfortunately.(though, of course, not always) I was at a conference once for sexually abused men. One therapist said women tend to internalize the abuse and men tend to act it out. But, he said, the hurt is the same. I guess that is what I am wanting to hear from women. We hurt also, and it comes out differently than women, but we hurt.

3
0
beebee82Apr. 5, 1310:49 AM

We can fight to end the dismal treatment of fathers by our family courts alongside the fight to end domestic violence. It doesn't have to be either/or and highlighting one with a single rally does not mean we are ignoring the other. We need more collaboration and cooperation and less adversarial feelings about gender issues. The author could help foster this by not assuming this was the first male-led rally against domestic violence. It may have been the most high profile to date, but certainly not the first. Men have been taking up the responsibility for a while now. Stop implying they're "finally" getting it.

Many of us are dealing with the realities of both. How many stepmoms out there have been both the victim of domestic violence in previous situations and are now living with the reality of her husband's court battles? How many men out there have been mistreated by the courts and watch helplessly as their daughters date abusive men because she didn't have Daddy in her life as much as she needed?

We need to do a better job of teaching both girls and boys to respect everyone. This event was a great way to do that. Now... I am still waiting for my fellow females to join me in a first woman-led rally against the treatment of fathers in family court...

4
4
ivaro3Apr. 5, 1312:06 PM

Amen to that Beebee-I am also waiting for women to support men in their struggles, whether it be father's rights in family court or another equally good cause. You are exactly right, it is not an either/or issue. Men need to stand up when women are abused and women need to stand up for men who are abused, women need to support other women, and men need to support other men. We do need more collaboration and cooperation and less demonizing of the other side. The demonizing is hurting both sides and making this more difficult than it needs to be. And to me, the common sense approach of basic respect and decency is the best way to do that.

2
1
ivaro3Apr. 5, 1312:19 PM

If Beebee ever held such a rally in the support of men in family court cases, I would be there to thank each and every woman from my heart for being there. I think your comment is the first I have seen from a woman who has publicly stated her support for men on this issue. Thank you very, very much.

2
1
stpauloldiesApr. 5, 13 6:55 PM

"WOW. So men are hard-wired to beat women?? No, no, no....seek help, please. Now. Yesterday." ... wardnjune --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Calm down, wardnjune. That's not what I was saying at all. I'm saying that the vast majority of men are hardwired for aggression, and a minority of women are actually programmed this way too. The natural tendency for aggression is a survival response that's just there. In a conflict with a female partner, the vast majority of men can control this natural tendency to respond physically, but a small minority of men cannot. Obviously, the men who cannot control this need professional help. But just because most men can control this, doesn't mean that women who wantonly push men's buttons by demeaning them, withholding affection, etc; etc, in non-physical ways are doing nothing wrong. I disagree that women should be held blameless in relationship troubles, which they share responsibility for in most cases, and that girls should also be taught to be respectful and non-manipulative in their relationships from a young age.

1
3

Comment on this story   |  

ADVERTISEMENT

  • about opinion

  • The Opinion section is produced by the Editorial Department to foster discussion about key issues. The Editorial Board represents the institutional voice of the Star Tribune and operates independently of the newsroom.

  • Submit a letter or commentary
Connect with twitterConnect with facebookConnect with Google+Connect with PinterestConnect with PinterestConnect with RssfeedConnect with email newsletters

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

question of the day

Poll: What was your biggest Olympics disappointment?

Weekly Question