Ask Amy: Teen girl asks: Was I raped?

  • Article by: AMY DICKINSON , Wire services
  • Updated: February 25, 2013 - 3:48 PM

Dear Amy: Recently I ran into one of my brother’s friends. He is 19 years old. I am 16.

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mnmaggiemnFeb. 26, 13 2:44 PM

She probably thought she was doing a good thing and honoring your baby. I think you two should talk it out. Maybe she can alter the name if she realizes what shes done.

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mnmaggiemnFeb. 26, 13 2:47 PM

The rape question is a tough one honestly. Maybe since she kept going he thought she had changed her mind. This really is a sad situation and I know if it were me, my brother would have taken care of it I wouldnt have needed go to the police

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ddellwoFeb. 26, 1310:09 PM

I disagree on the rape question. I think the girl was obligated to make an attempt (either verbally or physically) to stop the situation from moving forward. If a girl is big enough to go home with a boy, she should also be big enough to communicate her wish to stop the proceedings, rather than just think it in her head. The last I checked, teenage boys are not mind readers!

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kindaliberalFeb. 27, 1310:41 AM

The definition of rape keeps getting expanded. Some think if you were drinking the night before and regret it the next day you were raped. I think if you are of legal age and don't say no you weren't raped. Obviously, if you are intoxicated to the point where you can't give consent or say no that could be rape. A lot of time the man is also intoxicated. There have been a lot of Saturday night babies.

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moron100Feb. 27, 13 3:27 PM

Lady its been 9 years! you need more then therapy to get over it. I hate to be mean but let it go or end it yourself so nobody has to put up with your wallowing in what happened. It happens. Its part of life.

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aarghjFeb. 27, 13 3:55 PM

Dear Amy, On the rape question… If she never told the boy that he should stop, and she was complicit with the event, then there was absolutely no rape. You need to check your head if you truly believe that the boy was somehow supposed to read her mind and psychically deduce that she was saying stop. You are just wrong on this, and this type of thinking ruins lives.

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dahutysFeb. 27, 1311:17 PM

Regarding the rape question: several of these commenters need to read the letter again. The girl said she DID tell him that she was okay with making out but that she did not want to "go all the way". She apparently got too scared to repeat that, but she still told him NO. I'd also point out that he was 19 and she was 16. There are a lot of states where even if the 16-year-old said YES YES YES, her parents could have the 19-year-old charged with statutory rape, which I believe means you will be forced to register as a sex offender. There would be a lot of trouble avoided if fathers would tell their sons, "If you're having to talk the girl into it, or if she's under 18, JUST KEEP YOUR PANTS ZIPPED."

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snickelodeonFeb. 28, 13 7:12 AM

With respect to the rape question: Is Amy a lawyer? If not, then why is she giving legal advice? Her declaration that the facts in this case constitute rape, and that the matter should be reported to police, is particularly irresponsible, given that none of us know all the facts here. Certainly we can feel compassion for this 16 year old girl, and her mother's friend does sound "kind, smart and supportive." But I wouldn't rely on her for a legal opinion, either. Amy's "Your confusion is common to to people who have been through this" is condescending, judgmental and simplistic. The problem is, there is confusion and ambiguity in this situation, with respect exactly what happened and to the legal issues. She told the boy at some point that she "did not want to go all the way," then "ended up having sex," never mentioning her opposition to the idea again, though the boy "didn't do anything" to scare her. Was she raped? I don't know, but it's preposterous for Amy to make such a pronouncement. Yes, no means no. But what's implied here is that it is somehow sufficient for a girl to say, once, that she doesn't want to have sex. However, if she never mentions it again and "ends up" doing so, it's a clear case of rape. Sadly, this suggestion may encourage young women to make some poor decisions, rather than feeling that they have the responsibility and the power to speak up for themselves in such situations. Amy's advice is not only legally dubious, but potentially dangerous.

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snickelodeonFeb. 28, 1312:31 PM

With respect to the rape question: Is Amy a lawyer? If not, then why is she giving legal advice? Her declaration that the facts in this case constitute rape, and that the matter should be reported to police, is particularly irresponsible, given that none of us know all the facts here. Certainly we can feel compassion for this 16 year old girl, and her mother's friend does sound "kind, smart and supportive." But I wouldn't rely on her for a legal opinion, either. Amy's "Your confusion is common to to people who have been through this" is condescending, judgmental and simplistic. The problem is, there is confusion and ambiguity in this situation, with respect exactly what happened and to the legal issues. She told the boy at some point that she "did not want to go all the way," then "ended up having sex," never mentioning her opposition to the idea again, though the boy "didn't do anything" to scare her. Was she raped? I don't know, but it's preposterous for Amy to make such a pronouncement. Yes, no means no. But what's implied here is that it is somehow sufficient for a girl to say, once, that she doesn't want to have sex. However, if she never mentions it again and "ends up" doing so, it's a clear case of rape. Sadly, this suggestion may encourage young women to make some poor decisions, rather than feeling that they have the responsibility and the power to speak up for themselves in such situations. Amy's advice is not only legally dubious, but potentially dangerous.

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mnmaggiemnFeb. 28, 13 1:35 PM

@moron100@, I agree with what you are getting at but have you ever lost a child? My sister lost her daughter at 2 and my fiance at 3. You never get over it. But you also cant wallow about it either. However, its a very sensitive thing for families that have been through it.

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