Turkey of the Year 2000: Jesse Ventura

  • Updated: November 21, 2012 - 8:15 PM

The Turkey Committee had ignored outside influences for 22 years. The Turkey Chairman had been re-elected again and again by framing himself as a compassionate autocrat. In 1999, the chairman and his rubber-stamp committee met their obligation by naming a Turkey of the Millennium. And while the selection - Isaiah Rider Jr. - received acclaim, the international attention it brought to the Turkey Awards caused outside meddlers to surface. The committee was attacked as a collection of fat old white guys, sitting around, smoking cigars and scratching themselves, and doing whatever they wanted to do. The compassionate autocrat had a response for that: "Yeah, so what?" The committee was picketed by PETA, by Naderites, by anti-ballpark activists and by soccer moms – all demanding voting representation. Several of these people were seated, just to shut 'em up. Already, these do-gooders have exerted their influence. The committee honored a very worthy Turkey of the Year last Thanksgiving in Clem Haskins, the former Gophers basketball coach. Clem was very moved by this award, which had come during a difficult period in his life. Sure enough. We allowed a collection of left wingers to gain seats on the Turkey Committee. Predictably, they got all worked up when the NCAA and the Big Ten started stripping the Gophers of their hardware and banners, and Clem of his Coach of the Year trophies. The new committee members voted as a bloc, and there was nothing the chairman could do about it. Sorry, Clem, but you have now lost the greatest honor of all. You have been stripped of the 1999 Turkey of the Year award. It's with a heavy heart - and soon-to-be-stuffed gullet – that the Turkey Chairman calls to order the 23rd Turkey Banquet, and introduces this year's honorees: - Maurice Greene: The sprinter had demonstrated a brain pan filled with yams for a long time, but Greene's performance as the ringleader of the 4x100 relay team's celebration of a gold medal in Australia made Americans turn their heads away in embarrassment. - John Rocker: Speaking of a guy with an oversized yam on his shoulders. - Dwayne Rudd: If there were a formula for the amount of athletic ability vs. the number of plays made, Rudd would rank near the bottom of the NFL. But that doesn't stop the Vikings linebacker from nonstop preening. - Chris Clouser: The former Northwest Airlines executive was named CEO of the Twins a few weeks into the 2000 season. He slyly increased the Twins' offer by $15 million, throwing in no-trade and opt-out clauses, to sign Brad Radke, a below-.500 pitcher. Clouser then spent the rest of his energy trying and failing to build Porta-Potty Park in a Bloomington pasture. - C.J. Hunter: U.S. athlete Marion Jones arrived in Australia in September and flashed five fingers to the waiting cameras. The media thought that indicated the number of Olympic gold medals Jones was seeking, not an estimate of the number of steroid tests that Hunter, her shot-putter husband, had failed in recent months. - Glen Mason: A victory over Ohio State in Columbus. Rose Bowl! Rose Bowl! Micron.pc Bowl? At least have the good taste to tear up your bonus check for this gizzard of a bowl game, coach. - Siri Mullinix: She replaces Briana Scurry, hero of the Women's World Cup, as the goalie for the U.S. soccer team. She goes off on a wild-goose chase in the middle of the second half, Norway puts in a goal behind her and winds up beating our heroes 3-2 in overtime to win the Olympic gold medal. All those 12-year-old girls who filled stadiums around the country in the summer of 1999 are now disillusioned. - Bobby Knight: They gave the old tyrant a couple of rules, and he was gone a month before practice started. - Roger Clemens: Is there a psychiatric wing in the Hall of Fame? - Cheryl Littlejohn: Twenty-four consecutive conference losses on your home floor. If this is Coach LJ's last season with the Gophers, she would leave behind a record that will live for generations. That brings us to the finalists. To get here, the Turkey Chairman had to withstand complaints from the committee's new element. First, the do-gooders insisted they wanted a democratic process - the right to vote! Then, they claimed the ballot was confusing. As you can see by the sample ballot that accompanies today's official program, it's preposterous to think the chairman was trying to manipulate the outcome of the voting in this first democratic election of the Turkey of the Year. On with the banquet: - Mark Yudof: The committee always has had great regard for those who are sanctimonious and self-serving. This little guy is tops in both categories. - Baha Men: They are the artists who gave us "Who Let the Dogs Out," a greater blight on stadiums and arenas in this country than was "Whoot, There It Is." - Scott Boras: Shortstop Alex Rodriguez probably rates as one of the 10 finest baseball talents of all time. He's also very personable - a splendid salesman for a troubled game. Now he's a free agent and Boras, the poisonous agent, has managed to ruin A-Rod's image in less than a month of negotiations. - Glen Taylor, Kevin McHale, Eric Fleisher: There was considerable pressure from the public to name Taylor, the Timberwolves owner, as Grand Turkey, because of his conduct in the Joe Smith matter. Sorry, folks. Support for McHale, Taylor's vice president for basketball, and Fleisher, Smith's former agent, skimmed just enough votes from Taylor to cost him the election.    It also has left the committee with a Grand Turkey who won with a plurality rather than a majority: Jesse Ventura. While the Turkey Chairman was the campaign manager for Ventura, the chairman repeats his denial that the ballot he designed was intended to favor votes for his candidate. "Gov. Me has been selected on merit," the chairman said. "Dull of etort, thin of skin and enormous in ego. Making deals with Vince McMahon, his former devil. "Despite this year's internal problems on the committee, the chairman has never been more proud to announce a choice for Turkey of the Year."

ADVERTISEMENT

Buffalo 12/28/14 12:00 PM
New England
Cleveland 12/28/14 12:00 PM
Baltimore
Dallas 12/28/14 12:00 PM
Washington
Indianapolis 12/28/14 12:00 PM
Tennessee
Jacksonville 12/28/14 12:00 PM
Houston
San Diego 12/28/14 12:00 PM
Kansas City
NY Jets 12/28/14 12:00 PM
Miami
Chicago 12/28/14 12:00 PM
Minnesota
Philadelphia 12/28/14 12:00 PM
NY Giants
New Orleans 12/28/14 12:00 PM
Tampa Bay
Carolina 12/28/14 3:25 PM
Atlanta
Detroit 12/28/14 3:25 PM
Green Bay
Oakland 12/28/14 3:25 PM
Denver
Arizona 12/28/14 3:25 PM
San Francisco
St. Louis 12/28/14 3:25 PM
Seattle
Cincinnati 12/28/14 7:30 PM
Pittsburgh
TBA 1/3/15 2:00 AM
TBA
TBA 1/3/15 2:00 AM
TBA
Toronto 2:30 PM
LA Clippers
Boston 6:00 PM
Washington
Orlando 6:00 PM
Charlotte
Memphis 6:30 PM
Miami
Indiana 7:00 PM
Brooklyn
New Orleans 7:00 PM
Chicago
Atlanta 7:30 PM
Milwaukee
Philadelphia 8:00 PM
Utah
New York 9:00 PM
Sacramento
Minnesota 9:30 PM
Golden State
NY Islanders 6:00 PM
Buffalo
Detroit 6:00 PM
Ottawa
Carolina 6:00 PM
Tampa Bay
New Jersey 6:00 PM
NY Rangers
Boston 6:00 PM
Columbus
Winnipeg 6:00 PM
Minnesota
Washington 6:30 PM
Pittsburgh
Dallas 7:00 PM
St. Louis
Philadelphia 7:00 PM
Nashville
Anaheim 7:00 PM
Arizona
Chicago 8:00 PM
Colorado
Edmonton 9:00 PM
Calgary
San Jose 9:00 PM
Los Angeles
Indiana 87 1st OT 0:07
Georgetown 91
Maine 43 FINAL
Seton Hall 72
UNC-Wilmington 58 2nd Half 11:34
Minnesota 76
Georgia State 46 2nd Half 11:25
Green Bay 51
Jacksonville St 6 1st Half 10:40
Jacksonville 13
Kentucky 10 1st Half 14:37
Louisville 6
Northern Ky 2:00 PM
Northwestern
UAB 3:00 PM
North Carolina
IUPUI 3:00 PM
Pepperdine
Santa Clara 3:00 PM
St Marys-CA
Oakland 4:00 PM
Maryland
Gonzaga 5:00 PM
BYU
Mercer 5:00 PM
Georgia
San Francisco 5:00 PM
Pacific
Wright State 6:00 PM
Ohio State
Presbyterian 6:00 PM
Virginia Tech
Brescia 7:00 PM
Western Ky
Tennessee St 7:30 PM
Tennessee
Kennesaw St 8:00 PM
Illinois
Colorado State 8:00 PM
New Mexico St
Portland 8:00 PM
San Diego
Wayland Baptist 8:05 PM
Utah State
Bristol University 8:05 PM
Weber State
Sacramento St 8:05 PM
Utah Valley U
Southern Utah 9:00 PM
UNLV
SD Christian 9:00 PM
San Diego St
Illinois 18 FINAL
Louisiana Tech 35
Rutgers 40 FINAL
North Carolina 21
NC State 34 FINAL
UCF 27
Cincinnati 7 2nd Qtr 3:40
Virginia Tech 10
(15) Arizona State 7 1st Qtr 10:50
Duke 0
Miami-Florida 2:30 PM
So Carolina
Boston College 3:30 PM
Penn State
(25) Nebraska 7:00 PM
(24) USC
Texas A&M 12/29/14 1:00 PM
West Virginia
Oklahoma 12/29/14 4:30 PM
(18) Clemson
Arkansas 12/29/14 8:00 PM
Texas
Notre Dame 12/30/14 2:00 PM
(22) LSU
(13) Georgia 12/30/14 5:45 PM
(20) Louisville
Maryland 12/30/14 9:00 PM
Stanford
(9) Ole Miss 12/31/14 11:30 AM
(6) TCU
(21) Boise State 12/31/14 3:00 PM
(12) Arizona
(8) Miss State 12/31/14 7:00 PM
(10) Georgia Tech
(19) Auburn 1/1/15 11:00 AM
(17) Wisconsin
(7) Michigan State 1/1/15 11:30 AM
(4) Baylor
(16) Missouri 1/1/15 12:00 PM
Minnesota
(2) Florida State 1/1/15 4:00 PM
(3) Oregon
(5) Ohio State 1/1/15 7:30 PM
(1) Alabama
Houston 1/2/15 11:00 AM
Pittsburgh
Iowa 1/2/15 2:20 PM
Tennessee
(11) Kansas State 1/2/15 5:45 PM
(14) UCLA
Washington 1/2/15 9:15 PM
Oklahoma State
East Carolina 1/3/15 11:00 AM
Florida
SMU 28 2nd Half 12:43
(2) Connecticut 63
UCF 2:00 PM
Houston
BYU 4:00 PM
Gonzaga
Pacific 4:00 PM
San Francisco
St Marys-CA 4:00 PM
Santa Clara
San Diego 7:00 PM
Portland

ADVERTISEMENT

question of the day

Poll: Who is your favorite Gophers head coach?

Weekly Question

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

Connect with twitterConnect with facebookConnect with Google+Connect with PinterestConnect with PinterestConnect with RssfeedConnect with email newsletters

ADVERTISEMENT